That you might never have a child together. That you might never see the first gray hairs on your husband’s head or the first wrinkles around his eyes.

That one day, he might simply disappear, and part of you will die with him — even though your heart keeps beating, even though you keep cooking dinners, going to work, seeing friends. You’ll still be breathing, but you won’t be alive anymore.

My Anthony loved the ocean. It was his escape from the everyday. He had a small boat, and he would often take it out, fishing, swimming, just enjoying the water.

Usually, he took someone with him, me or one of his friends, but that day, he decided to go alone.

I’d had this awful feeling all day, this anxious weight I couldn’t explain. I was in the early stages of pregnancy then, and I worried maybe something was wrong with the baby.

But when Anthony said he was taking the boat out, something inside me started screaming.

I begged him not to go. I pleaded with him to stay. But he just smiled, told me everything would be fine, kissed me goodbye, and walked out the door. That was the last time I saw him.

The storm came out of nowhere. It had been sunny all day, but the wind picked up, the clouds rolled in, and Anthony’s boat capsized.

My husband vanished without a trace. They never found his body. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.

I broke. I was hysterical. The stress of it all took the baby too. I lost everything. I was left hollow, destroyed, completely alone.

Three years have passed since then. Only now am I starting to feel like I’m healing, like the pain is dulling just a little.

All these years, I couldn’t bring myself to go near the water. It was too much. Too terrifying. Too painful. But I finally decided that if I wanted to heal, I had to face it.

I couldn’t go to the beach in our town — that would’ve been unbearable. So I bought a ticket and booked a vacation. Alone.

My decision to go by myself sparked a storm of concern from my mother.

“How can you go alone? I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Mom said with a frown.

“I’ve made up my mind. It’s for the best,” I replied calmly.

“Take at least one friend. Or let me come with you,” she insisted.

“I don’t have any friends anymore,” I shrugged.

And it was true. After Anthony’s death, I’d pushed everyone away, anyone who cared, anyone who tried to help.

I didn’t want anyone getting close enough to hurt me again. Eventually, they gave up trying.

“Then I’ll come,” Mom declared.

“No. I don’t want that. I need to be alone,” I answered firmly.

“You’ve been alone for three years,” she shot back sharply.

“I need this!” I screamed. “I need to heal!”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry,” Mom said softly. “Do what you think is right.”

“Thank you.”

Two days later, I had already arrived at the resort. I checked into my hotel, but I still could not bring myself to go down to the beach.

A few times, I stepped out of the room, walked down the hallway, then turned right back around. So I decided not to push myself. I’d go the next day, after some rest.

The next morning, I finally put on my swimsuit, packed my beach bag, and headed toward the beach.

Every step felt impossibly heavy, like there were stones tied to my feet. But I kept moving, one step at a time, until I finally reached the beach.

I spread out my towel on a lounge chair and sat down alone, staring at the water. The ocean was calm. No waves. Just sunlight glinting off the surface.

People swam and splashed and laughed. Children built castles in the sand.

But I couldn’t make myself go near it. Not even to dip my toes in. I just sat there, letting the sun warm my skin.

Hours passed. Eventually, I forced myself to stand and take a few steps toward the water. My legs felt like rubber.

I thought they’d give out at any second. But I kept going, inching closer and closer. That’s when I saw them.

A family of three. Walking along the sand, laughing, trying to decide where to set up their beach umbrella. A man, a woman, and a little girl — no older than three.

When I saw the man’s face, the ground disappeared beneath me. I forgot how to breathe. My lungs clenched, and I began gasping for air.

“Anthony!” I cried out, before collapsing onto the sand.

I clutched at my throat, desperate to inhale, as if breathing faster would somehow help. Anthony and the woman rushed over. He dropped to his knees beside me.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Just breathe. Do you need an inhaler?” Anthony asked urgently.

His voice was calm, gentle, but unfamiliar. He looked at me like I was a stranger. I shook my head, still unable to speak.

“Alright. In and out. In and out. You’re okay,” he repeated softly until my breathing finally slowed.